November 10, 2006
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It’s okay, don’t cry
Be brave and don’t cry
It’s sometimes said in a clearly negative way- “You stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”, and just as often in a seemingly gentle way “I have to go, now don’t cry- no, don’t cry, it’s okay, don’t cry”. It is frequent that whenever a child cries, we hear a response that says “Don’t” for whatever reason.
I will not claim this to be conclusive or all-inclusive, but there tend to be two major types of crying: natural, and intentional (usually manipulative and while still somewhat natural, the child encourages it and builds up a cry/tantrum to get something). Intentional is usually selfish, natural could be either. I think a good parent can tell the difference. Intentional tends to be when things don’t go their way. Natural tends to be when they are physically or emotionally hurt- now, things not going their way could cause emotional hurt, but most parents can tell the difference pretty clearly.
It’s Alright to Cry
There was a rather cheesy song that they played in my kindergarten class I still remember- “It’s alright to cry, crying gets the hurt out of you”.
Well, I think that we need to reconsider what our motive is for telling a child not to cry. I propose that in many cases the motive is selfishness on our part, when the crying is natural and non-manipulative.
Crying bothers us- we either don’t like to see the child hurt, or we are irritated by it in some fashion. Of course, while the absence of crying does not mean the absence of hurt- it means the absence of visible, tangible signs of it that we cannot ignore. Even if it is a positive motive- we’re leaving on a trip, and we do not want to see a little one we love cry because we are going. Or someone dies, and we want to comfort them. I do not intend to say it is a negative motive- but I do propose that it is not necessarily in the child’s best interest. This is, of course, my opinion and you are free to differ.
My Thoughts
Crying is a release for the body. It cleanses our body, it also cleanses our spirit. Many people feel an inherent embarassment and shame about it- when, in fact I feel that much of this shame comes from the fact we are so often as children told NOT to do it. My proposal is- distinguish the selfish and manipulative crying from the sincere hurt, and encourage our children to feel comfortable and safe letting out their tears if it is a hurt or pain situation. On the other hand, it is fine to make clear that manipulative crying is unacceptable. This teaches that it is alright to depend on others when we are hurt and to express our feelings and tears, but it is not alright to do so in order to manipulate others.
Psychiatrists and psychologists will say the same thing- it is healthy and normal for both children and adults to cry, and it is an emotionally necessary process. To repress this is to repress our emotions and can cause injury both physical and mental. I want to teach my son, just as I was taught, that he has a right to his emotions and to his tears- and unlike myself, I want him to always feel free to come to me for a hug and comfort when he needs to cry.