"I committed a sex offense, but I am not a sex offender"
If you heard that comment on television from the latest fellow caught on "To catch a predator"- what would you think? Actually, you hear it a lot- sometimes it is probably true (that is, this is not a person who usually would seek this sort of thing out: it might be one of those 'really bad mistakes' made only once and stoppable), many times not. Yet if you heard that, you like many others might be inclined to dismiss it. "Yeah, right."
Yet this morning on the Today show, it was said- and the reporter seemed sympathetic. Why? Because it is a woman- who was 23 years old when it happened, is quite beautiful, and has some strong reasons why it was a strange time in her life. She admits guilt, says she is a sex offender and deserves jail time (even though she did not get it) but is NOT a "sex offender".
"It was a mistake," 'but that is not who I am. I care for kids, I have always been a good teacher, and I have never treated them like that before'
And it's probably taken well. She got off any prison time- but the reporter did mention: "If you were a man, there is no doubt you would have received prison time. How do you feel about that?"
To that, she replied the above- that she is not a sex offender. So... does that mean a man in the same situation IS one?
Men and women, in the public eye, seem to be very flexible now as far as gender goes. When it is conveneient, "Men and women are THE SAME! They are EQUAL!" But when it is not, then... there IS a difference. I think my position is pretty clear- make a rule, but stick to it.
I believe men and women are inherently different. But, I also believe they are not so different that laws on this sort of thing should be this flexible. Of course, my opinion is that even male sex offenders might not be the sort who would do this repeatedly- it could be, like this woman said, a mistake: that caught early, and looked into properly, could be stopped. Should they be punished all their lives by being followed around like the main character in Les Miserables and denied jobs, feared in neighbourhoods? My brother, when he was in his early twenties, committed a sex offense- consentual, but still wrong- and now does prison ministry some twenty plus years later with a beautiful family and a strong moral code. He is someone that Jesus Christ changed and helped past some big mistakes. But now his children have found out- at ages rather young to have to find this out- because of Megan's law and classmates who delighted in telling them about "your Dad is a sex offender! I saw his name online!"
Consistency- not prejudice
Prejudice means to "prejudge". We come from a society that was- and in many ways still is, depending on the situation, prejudiced against many things including women. However, it is now very socially acceptable to openly show prejudice against men.
What would happen if, in a public setting, a woman said "Man, guys are such pigs. They're dirty, messy, and sleep around." Probably nothing from my experience- maybe a laugh or "yeah, I know what you mean!" from a passer-by.
Now, what if a man said "Women are so stuck up and brainless. They should stick to the kitchen where they belong."
Wow. I can pretty much bet you'd get dirty looks and harsh comments if people around heard it- from women especially, but perhaps even from men as well! It is publically acceptable to prejudge men- and while prejudice against women still happens, it has to be a hidden and explainable thing.
Female Sex Offenders- They exist, and they are harder to catch
They exist and they are a lot more common than you think. Men and women are different, so the way a female sex offender- in this case, we will focus on child molesters- works is usually different than a man would. In particular, men tend to be a lot more hormone driven. There are always exceptions, but men do not think it through as much or as clearly usually as a woman would. Men tend to act quickly and rashly- women tend to act slowly, more thought out, and frequently have a great deal of patience in attaining their goal. Also, a female sex offender is more likely to take less risks- and less likely to have unconsentual sex, though if they do they also tend to do a better job at making sure it will not be exposed.
The result? It's harder to catch.
Why do I know this? I've spoken to one. Later, I reported her to the FBI and an online group that deals specifically with tracking down online sex offenders. I do not know if she was ever caught- but I did do the right thing.
A Female Child Offender Profile
This particular person had sex for the first time when she was twelve or under- with a boy, and it was not enjoyable. Later, however, a friend of her mother's babysat her- the female adult gradually began to pursue sexual 'play' with her, and she allowed it and later responded. It eventually lead to all manner of sexual activities. Later, as an adult, this woman began to babysit as well. Her first mollestation- though she would never call it that- happened with a fifteen or sixteen year old. The child flirted with her and made her intentions clear- and they eventually had an active sexual relationship. This happened again with a younger child, thirteen- she always would slowly 'flirt' and hint, and if there was a response, she would go farther. It was always "mutual"- and often a matter of her, the older woman, 'teaching' the younger girl and often initiating them into what is honestly homosexual/lesbian sex with a minor.
Want to know something else? This woman is still close friends with the woman who initially mollested her- that woman currently is even aware of the fact she is mollesting others, and probably is a positive and trusted reference as a successful older woman. They do not see this as wrong- they would be horribly insulted if I had actually brought up the word "mollesting" or "child abuse". Why? Because it is connsentual- they see it as free choice, the law is wrong and they are just having another sexual relationship, so they are justified in avoiding the law. The teenager/child would never tell- because they don't want to tell. The woman doing it is friends with the parents and other parents, she has a good reputation, and she is smart enough not to make stupid mistakes that would let her get caught. Like, quite honestly, many men do.
Also, of the girls she has "introduced" into sex with women (who were not necessarily lesbian or even sexually active first), all of them have either become bisexual or lesbian to her knowledge. None see themselves as having been "abused". The perfect crime? When the people who were wronged don't believe they were wronged.
This sort of thing, as we have occasionally seen in the news, also happens with older women and boys. Sometimes, as is mostly shown- or at least portrayed- the boy is the one initiating it or pushing it. Often times, the boy more actively seeks it- but the adult will guide/allow it.
A Blind Eye
Why is this such a threat? Because we turn a blind eye to it. The enemy we turn our back to is more of a threat than the obvious danger to our front. Men are always under suspicion and a close eye. Yet as a child, my parents would find neighbourhood girls to babysit us- they didn't need a background or anything, they'd maybe see them every now and then and because they were female they would let them care for us. Two sisters, in a similar situation, took my sister up to her room and looked at playgirl magazines with her. That, if you are familiar with the law (Michael Jackson, for example) would be considered an illegal activity- to expose a minor to such material. What would someone say if it were two teenager brothers with a seven year old girl, instead of two teenage girls with a seven year old girl?
The facts? All humans deal with wrong desires- and the capacity for evil is in everyone, male or female, in differing ways. I do not write this to inspire fear- but rather, to try to call for a fair playing field. As a boy growing up, I almost felt ashamed to be a man- because everything I heard told me how awful in general men were compared to women. I believe we need to take a stand- men and women both- to see we and others keep consistent in our views and application of our laws. When you see a discussion that shows prejudice against a woman OR man, perhaps you should say something. Remember, prejudice is pre-juding any person or group of people based on traits such as race, gender, age, looks, etc.
As for me? I'm going to find another father in our church with free time someday to babysit my son- because I think I should practice what I preach.
-Patrick
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