Preparations for Baby-care
Wednesday is when my baby-bundle doubles! Instead of one lil bash-a-mole to bop on the head with the padded bopper, I now have two at a time to pop up (if you have no idea what bash/whack-a-mole is, then don't worry about it- and you've obviously never been to Chuck-e-Cheese's as a child or adult). The whole idea of whack-a-mole is that you have all these little holes and out of them comes an automated 'mole' at different intervals- and you have to 'whack' it back down- it gets harder, as more moles pop up at once and you have to whack them before they pop down by themselves.
In actuality, there shall be no 'whacking', 'bashing', etc. but I thought it a cute metaphor.
DW was rather overwhelmed last night with the prospect of someone coming Wed and the preparations that entailed. I tried to encourage her about relying on God, and it came up- as it has come up before- that while I apparently find that encouraging it does little for her. When I try to share what it means to me, I am 'preaching' at her- I become Pastor Patrick, and it's not something meant in a complimentory manor. I poured my heart out as to my desire for her just to reach up, however weakly, for God's help and strength- I see her hurting and empty and want to see her supported. DW said "The Holy Spirit won't come down and vacuum this floor, or clean these piles of clothes..." She was quite distraught. And then God spoke to me, and through me.
I smiled, and replied with heartfelt emotion, "Yes, he can, and he will." She, of course, seemed momentarily baffled. "Through me. I may be an imperfect vessel, but He'll use me tonight to help you with these things so that you can know how much He cares, how much He loves you, and so that you can in return praise Him and show him your love- and seek His strength." The Holy Spirit resides in all born again believers, and many times it is through us he manifests himself. Those times when I need a hug but feel Jesus can't give me that physical hug I need- that's where he sometimes uses the body of Christ.
And you know what? I couldn't have done it normally, on my own. I really, truly wanted my DW to know she could depend on the Lord- to reach out in trust to God and see Him respond. So when the Spirit spoke to me that He wished to use me to provide what she wanted and needed most, I opened myself to seek to be a vessel and He worked through me. At first there were some difficulties- me cleaning 'my way' which is the only way I know how to get things done, versus 'her way'. But those cleared up eventually as she saw real results from a method of cleaning that starts out slow (you can spend half an hour and it doesn't appear a lot has changed) but then you reach a point where results suddenly happen and the difference is not only visible: but more permanent. I call this "deep cleaning" as opposed to "surface cleaning".
My DW got a lot done herself last evening, and was in a good mood doing it. Then we watched some TV together, including Heroes, and she went to bed in a good mood.
This was not a case of the hubby being neglegent and suddenly springing to action. This is a case of God answering his daughter's needs through her DH- not because she asked me, but because she needed it. This was not to improve her view of me or our relationship- but to deepen her faith and intimacy with God. I tend to really enjoy praise and appreciation- so am a little surprised to look back and see that I genuinely, when finished, did not want any of that. What I wanted most was to see Katrina's trust and faith in the Lord growing.
God is reliable and faithful. Sometimes he answers our prayers clearly, sometimes he answers it by changing our perspective and thus enabling to get our work done. Other times, he answers by doing it himself through the body of Christ. And sometimes, WE are the means He uses to meet someone else's needs. In those times, it is important we realise our role and do not seek the credit, glory, or recognition for ourselves but instead give it to God.
My prayer is that, over time, my DW develops into a woman who deeply trusts and is committed to God- who passionately loves Him- first and over all rather than myself. For I know that I can never solved all her problems, meet all her needs, understand all of her heart, interpret all of her words. I know there will come times where there are weak points in our relationship. I also know that in those times, it is her relationship with the Lord- it is God himself- who will heal those hurts and bring us closer in a way I cannot. There are problems I cannot solve, but there is no problem God cannot solve if we let him.
Surface vs Deep Cleaning
I will mention a few details about the cleaning I did. The only cleaning that really works for me or makes sense, is a cleaning style I learned from FlyLady (google flylady if you like). First, here's my basic definitions.
Surface cleaning: You know it, you even have done it. Yes, you're guilty! Though it is sometimes very useful and necessary, there are also times where to surface clean is to neglect the real problem. Surface clutter is stuff that develops very quickly, and can also be cleaned up with fairly good speed. My computer room floor is full of surface clutter but not overly much deep clutter- lots of netflix papers and other paper trash, napkins, misc papers and two jackets, etc. DW sees it and gets alarmed- littles does she realise that I can clean the entirety of it up in under five minutes with a trash bag in hand. That's surface cleaning. However, there are times when surface cleaning is insufficient or temporary. You can surface clean and get all the trash cleaned up- when you surface clean, though, rather than putting things permanently away or organizing shelves into a permanently working order, you just put things on shelves where they quickly fit and do not pay much care to making sure things are where they go. It is quicker, but temporary- because later, it builds up quickly again.
Deep cleaning- This takes a lot more time, and it doesn't always seem to have immediate rewards. For example, if you have a room with surface clutter and to deep clean you have to start by organizing shelves- you might end up seeming to make MORE of a mess before it cleans up. Or, if you are putting things away and in the process making sure they have a place or are where they need to be, it might seem to go slowly at first.
Steps for Deep Cleaning a room
- Set a time: The usual choice that Flylady recommends is 15 minutes at a time. After that, take a break- five minutes drinking a relaxing drink, or a bathroom break, etc. We can do anything for fifteen minutes- and it won't overwhelm us.
- Have THREE containers, or at least two. You can optionally have the "give away" bin/box where you can put things you will give away to friends or to a place that takes donations. Have ONE trash container (or trash bag), and ONE bin (laundry basket, box, etc) that is your "put away" box. The put away box should be of a decent size. What you do is you go throug the room, and ANYTHING that is not trash goes IN THE BOX. It's quick and direct- and you don't have to constantly stop to think "where does this go?". Just fill the bin. Once it is filled, OR ten minutes is up (if you're going in 15 minute intervals, then that gives you 5 minutes to put things up), then start putting away. Go from room to room in your house and put things where they are supposed to go. If there is not a proper place for them, think of a good temporary place near where you might want it to go long term- and add to your list of things to do the need to create a place (this might include getting rid of things so that you have a place for it). This is deep cleaning because you are putting things where they are SUPPOSED to go and things that are not SUPPOSED to be in that room, are put in the PUT AWAY bin and moved to where they need to go.
Try to make sure you put up everything for that room while you are in it with your bin, then move on. Once the bin is empty, either take a break or go back to fill it again. Eventually, you will have put away everything on the floor or laying around, or thrown it out! I usually put clothing in a 'fold/hang up' pile or area to later be dealt with- or in the dirty clothes depositories around the house.
Surface clutter WILL happen again, quickly- but if you just spend five minutes maybe two or three times a day doing regular quick-checks through your house (maybe one in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once before bed) you can deal with the surface clutter before it turns into DEEP clutter. Deep cleaning means: you'll have a place to put things later.
Deep cleaning specific areas
Rather than an "as needed" affair, this is a planned, regular event you should do to different rooms at different times. FlyLady designates different weeks for different rooms- and then you focus on projects within that room during that week. For example, you might make a focus on cleaning the book shelves in your living room- and deep clean those, getting them organised and deciding what the best things to store in them are. Then, you take things OUT that are supposed to be in other rooms, put them in the Put Away bin, and when it fills or you are done put them away. DO NOT take out more than you can clean up/handle within the time you've allotted (no more than ONE hour or less, and doing it in 15 minute spurts is wise, within that hour! Don't overwhelm yourself!). You can always go back later that day, and hold yourself to it! It will be less daunting when you know you are MAKING PROGRESS, but not exhausted afterwards.
If, as you do this, you find other areas that are messy and yet you have to put things up there- make a 'temporary solution' and put that high on your priority list to do NEXT. It's important not to let side-projects distract you from your MAIN ONE. This may lead to your house not looking as superficially clean at once, BUT it will mean that eventually you will have a place for EVERYTHING and long term your house will look and STAY clean. And it will be EASIER TO CLEAN, more FUN to clean, and easier for your family to HELP you clean.
Household responsibilities- husband vs. wife
The biggest problem with me and my DW when I do this kind of cleaning, is that her style and system is different than mine. I might want to organise the bookshelves in such a way, or put, say, all the old baby clothing in one closet place in the house. But what if she doesn't agree with that choice or style? Well, that's where you have to have a leader. Decide who the primary person who SHOULD be handling housecare is (usually it is the woman, but in my case that is my area of responsibility since I am staying home and Kat is working- that's hard, because it is VERY DIFFICULT for a Wife to not feel responsible for the state of a home. After all, in her mind, if another woman visits and looks the home over and sees it messy or something lacking, she knows (and she could very well be right) that the woman is NOT going to think "My, what a messy husband- he definitely isn't doing a good job keeping his home clean." Most likely, she feels the woman will judge HER based on the appearence of HER house- regardless of who is doing the cleaning.
So a compromise must be reached- and if the man is the one who is responsible, the DW must learn to compromise her 'ideal style' and allow the DH to decide how things are organised. After all- isn't it better to have a clean kitchen that might take you a few weeks to get used to finding things in, than to have a kitchen that is messy a lot because you're the only one who cleans it (when you're the one doing the working) OR a kitchen that is clean only because of your hard work when you're already working full time each day?
Of course, DW and I have rooms in the house that are specifically 'ours'. I won't clean her Nest (has the spare bed in it, and sewing stuff- it's 'her room') nor tell her how to organise it- I can make suggestions or requests, but it is her decision in the end. Likewise, The Cave (my computer room) is ALL mine- she's used two tall bookshelves in it, after asking, to keep books in but that is it. I get to decide how it is arranged, and even let the floor get some 'surface clutter' since I can keep the door closed and nobody needs to see it. Of course, I make it a point to do a clean-run whenever it might need to be viewed or if it gets to bad (and it's kinda getting that way now- 5 minutes with a trash bag will do it a lot of good).
But the rest of the house? Well, DW's been doing a lot of work in it, but I'm planning to step in again. I stepped in before, and for a week did a LOT of work- but DW was driven to insanity by my VERY different systems and way of cleaning. She really would have rather done it herself- so I got discouraged, and ended up giving up. Of course, after time, she ended up regretting it- but it's taken me over a year to get to the point of being willing to try again.
Lesson for wives out there- IF YOUR HUSBAND is trying to clean but does it 'his way', be willing to give grace. Also, be forgiving and give encouragement- yeah, the dishes might have some dry food on it because he didn't stack the dishwasher right (actually, with us, DW is the one that happens with- I meticulously hand clean EACH plate even before I put it in the dishwasher, and I know how to stack them so they get properly cleaned). But instead of getting mad at him for it, or not giving him 'credit'- make sure to praise him for that work and encourage him to keep doing it. Meanwhile, make encouraging (not slighting or firm- but gently spoken and with respect) suggestions on how he could improve it. IF it is a matter of opinion (ie- dishes with specks of dry food on them are DIRTY plain and simple... it's pretty cut and dry. However, where you stack the pans in your kitchen and what cabinet stores cleaning supplies, or the system you use to organise your books or media/DVDs... that is a style and opinion issue. The "final say" should really go to whomever has primary household responsibility. If you're BOTH working- well, go with the person who tends to take the lead/have the best organizing skills or the Wife... since I believe that in the end, organization of the home and household is the Wife's responsibility and the Husbands is family provision. Now, realise who is saying this- I'm taking care of the household duties and child, and my Wife is providing. Obviously I think roles can be switched. What I mean is, IF we're not making enough money and money IS NEEDED, it's my responsibility to be willing to step in an work to make that up if needed- God holds me accountable for that. Likewise, if the house isn't in order or the children cared for- well, you get the picture.
So, in a way, while we believe I am the head of the family, I'm 'accountable' in a ways to my Wife since I'm handling her jobs- if I'm not investing decent time in the house, I owe her an explanation. BUT, it's important not to confuse this with different styles.
And there is the problem BOTH genders experience when one is staying home and the other works. Just because you DO NOT SEE IT, does not mean it IS NOT DONE. IE- just because you come home and see your spouse sitting down or not working, and maybe you see things that need doing, does NOT mean they haven't been doing a lot that day... maybe even working most of the day and just now took a break.
Can I hear an AMEN to that from the peanut gallery? 
-Patrick
You probably know that they do Valentine's Day a little differently in Japan than in the West. Here, Feb. 14th is a day for women and girls to give chocolate to men and boys, and all throughout Japan, millions of fathers, husbands, boyfriends and would-be-boyfriends look forward to scoring some chocolatey goodness. In Japan, you never receive a gift without giving one in return, called "o-kaeshi," and March 14 has been designated as "White Day" when males give something back to females who gave them chocolate the month
Not that extreme perhaps, but that's my personal reaction.
The fact is-