The only person I ever considered courtship with besides my present Wife, Katrina- was a young lady from Harlem named Ebony, whom I met online. As you might guess, she was African American.
When I moved to South Carolina at age eight, I was guilty of a tremendous prejudice and anger- towards the South, towards caucasians living in the south, because of their horrible history of racism and slavery. I HATED the south- and swore I would NEVER let myself get a southern accent, lest I sound like the prejudiced hicks I despised. It took me years to get over that and learn that the matter was much more complex, and to forgive people for... well, being people.
My Wife and I for a time were counselled by an incredible professor and dear friend of mine, Andre Rogers, the only African American professor at Columbia Bible College.
I chose my church partially because it was a biracial church which celebrates having members of the body of Christ whom are of all races and creeds- I delight in the choir that contains a bit of the gospel joy and spirit that only an African American Brother and Sister in Christ can give.
I live in a primarily African American neighbourhood- ALL my neighbours are African American.
My new mentor in ministry and growing friend in Gary, the associate pastor at my church who leads the education ministry. He's an INCREDIBLE man of God, and I'm honoured to learn from him- a fellow alumni of CIU.
And finally, last but hardly least, I have African American family members. My eldest niece is half African American- Ashley. She's a handful, that's to be sure- her parents are having quite a time with her- and I love her, just as I love her two caucasian sisters and brother. She's family, and her racial heritage only adds to her perspective and richness of character.
These are just a few examples of my past and present in relationship to not just other races, but in particular, African American.
So it was, as I sat at a table in the southern restaurant Lizard's Thicket, across from my Japanese friend and language partner Daisuke, that I was accused of being racist.
Yes, I was answering some detailed questions that Daisuke had about American culture, particular schools and students as well as businesses. I discussed a lot- public education versus private education and indeed some areas that I realised in retrospect might be sensitive for some people. How I felt people could finish public college and not be properly prepared, in comparison to other countries- and how one could, without being involved in special classes, finish public high school and not at all be prepared for college. I shared how a student's ambitions and desire differed greatly depending on where in the United States they were from, their cultural and ethnic background, as well as if they were from a working or middle class family (ie- from family examples, some family members grew up in a primarily farming/working class community and were NOT encouraged to pursue college- although they DID). That's about as close to race as I got the whole time. I also talked about the American mindset in regards to the work environment versus the Japanese one.
So, after all that, an obviously well dressed and well spoken African American man- who was hidden by a partition until he stood and sitting across from what seemed to be his wife- stood up. He looked over at me and said that I was loud enough that he was unable not to hear most of my conversation, and that while he agreed that some of what I said was true, most of what I was saying was offensive and rather racist. He continued some, speaking to the whole room, which included at least three tables of African Americans as well as others and the waitresses.
I apologised, telling him I sincerely did not intend to offend anyone or speak against any race. I said, "I am a believer in Christ, and I would never speak against anyone because of their race." It was not until I apologised several times and went silent, that he said again that he could not help but overhear because I was speaking so loudly and finally sat down after standing for a moment more. He was not 'angry' persay or mean, but he was firm- as a proud elder speaking to a youngster who had done wrong. He ended up finishing his dinner shortly after and leaving within five minutes- he had obviously heard most all of what I had said during the entire meal to Daisuke, and chose to wait until he was about to leave to end my conversation.
I was shocked. I didn't reply more because I was flabbergasted- it is only in retrospect I could even begin to fathom how he could get anything 'racist' from what I had said. Daisuke, who understands English very well and followed everything, could not understand either. He told me, after, that he felt nothing I had said was racist at all- and apologised for asking me questions that caused such a reaction.
I was, most of all, hurt. Deeply hurt- and now, looking back, rather angry. Yes, we live in South Carolina- a place with screwed up laws and government. Yes, any views on school and education, on the way society is and how we grow up that even touches on socio-economic background IS a touchy subject and there are many different approaches to it. But to take that and to dig out racism? I have hugged men of other races with more respect and love than my own biological brothers. I've dedicated my life, to the chagrine and anger of some Americans, to loving people from around the world and going to share Jesus with them. To understanding other cultures beyond my own- thus the whole point of me sitting there, at that table, and speaking with my Japanese friend, Daisuke. There are many definitions of prejudice, and the finer ones would mean that ALL of us are prejudiced- including African Americans against other races- and it's something we're helpless against. Because for all of my heart, being, and soul I do not place someone in a different category because they are 'black' except that of cultural differences just as I would someone who is Asian-american, from Japan, or hispanic (noting my OWN WIFE and, thus, SON, are hispanic in heritage!!!!).
At the time I was hurt, appalled... now, as I look back, angry, for surely there was prejudice in his comments as well. For sure, he could disagree with my views- and yes, perhaps he could even privatley debate with me how he felt prejudice could be implied. But to publically denounce me as racist? How dare he. I am surely less full of prejudice than he- for he surely judged me based on the South Carolinian culture and the environment which we are in. In the past, I even asked Andre, my African American professor, if he felt I had any prejudiced misconceptions -to which he assured me I did not. It is one thing to disagree with me as I seek to share my view of our culture- and sometimes, for any American hearing our cultural weaknesses pointed out it could be a difficult topic. However, calling someone racist... had my Dad been there eating with me, or had I been dressed in a business suit, I bet he wouldn't have said a word anyway. As it was, I was seemingly a college student- and he stood up and denounced me, INTENDING me to be embarassed and 'scolded'.
I handled it correctly, with what I knew at the time. And had Daisuke not been there, I would have gone back to his table and politely asked him if he could explain to me some of the reasons he felt what I was saying was racist, to help me understand what he said better.
I think right now, I'm just hurt. Really hurt, and from that hurt springs anger. I think it was a horrible misunderstanding- but it was a cruel was to express it. If a white man stood up and started telling off a black man for speaking poorly about caucasians- in a restaurant full of caucasians- how would such an act be viewed? Is this not reverse-harrassment and prejudice?
I think tomorrow I'm going to call Gary, said African American pastor and mentor, and seek counsel. Regardless of my feelings, I need the reassurance to my face- from someone of that man's racial background- that his words were incorrect, from someone who actually KNOWS me.
-Patrick
But I'm happy with being popular among xangans, if it ever happens! Hey, I also want to give a warm welcome to the many Mom's who have been visitting lately. I hope the perspective of a stay-home Dad is interesting, and I also encourage you all to say hello and let me know your thoughts! After all, the joy of sharing on here is getting input from others who both have wisdom to share and questions to ask. You can also let me know if you would want to be on the protected list, since some posts of interest to other homemakers (for reasons I am positive you will understand) must be protected.
