Love Dare Day 5

I am currently working through my second attempt of going through the book "The Love Dare"- the first time was nine months or so ago, and worked very well at the time, but I never got even halfway through it.  Now's the time for me to do it, and do it ALL the way.  I thought I'd share this journey, though I will be discrete about any portions that would be invading my Wife's privacy.  I hope that perhaps this will provide others an opportunity to share insights, engage in discussion, etc.  All I ask is that, if you respond to one of my entries, you do so in a gentle spirit. No flames, and if you feel upset about something in regards to me please express it gently.  After all, remember, the reason I am doing this love dare is to improve myself, and thus improve my marriage.  This is a way of healing, even saving, a marriage- a way that is totally reliant on the one spouse doing it, and based on the fact that by changing msyelf as a partner, by becoming someone who implements characteristics of a Godly spouse, my Wife will eventually respond.  It works whether you are a husband, or a wife  If you're ever interested in more, just ask- the book includes the dares, but also a chapter about each dare, helping to understand the quality/characteristic the dare is about in a very meaningful way.

The Love Dare can be seen in the movie "Fireproof", and if you have not seen that movie and you are married, or thinking of getting married, then see it.  It's about a man whose marriage is on the verge of divorice- and he happens to be a firefighter- and how, through a series of 40 days of dares he gets written down from his Father, he is able to make a difference.

 Three Behaviours the Make her uncomfortable or Irritated

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you.  You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behaviour.  This is from their perspective only.

• Having to repeat herself
• When I tell my parents things about our marriage
• starting a running dialogue of what I am doing while I am cleaning/getting things done.  For example, while I clean the kitchen or deal with the house when it's become unsanitary/unbearable, commenting on it while I do it.  It makes her feel punished, and she'd rather me not do it at all.

What things did your spouse point out about you that needs your attention?

See above.  The first one is something I do not always have control over- for example, what she means is the most common issue she has, where I don't hear her clearly and have to ask her to repeat herself, sometimes a couple times.  That really, really annoys her.  There are times when I can help it, and those are the ones I can focus on.  She dislikes me relying on my parents as a venue for support when things get tough in our marriage.  It's hard, because there has literally been nobody else, and when things get tough, you need to have someone to call, besides the police or social services, right?  Yes, there's been times where it's felt that bad- but talking to someone, even my parents, has helped me to make better choices than, say, calling the above.  While it's made my Wife feel violated, it's prevented our family being broken apart by other means (like, a police officer showing up).  However, it's better to have someone I can call or rely on in those situations besides my parents, and she akcnowledges that I may have someone else- she sees that as inevitable, she just wants someone besides my parents.  So, next step; find someone. :)

And finally, the last, she saw as me doing a favour and then turning it against her.  It actually wasn't that- when I am doing something for her, I don't mutter  or narrate it.  The times she speaks of are when I am so overwhelmed at the condition of the house or kitchen, and know it has to be handled, and nobody but I will handle it, and that it is completely beyond too far... and instead of blowing, I try to contain it and contro lmyself, and get the job done.  But still, something "leaks out" while I am doing it, short exclaimations to myself of "oh my Lord, this is awful" or such.  I don't seek to justify it- it's a lesser of two evils, but I do wish to stop it for her.  I do feel it is better than turning at her, and telling her in a long list how awful I things have gotten- and it is, but my ideal is still to be able to just let her know straight up what she needs to do, that it's too much, and then quietly go on with handling things.  And, if I need to list things or express myself, to do so in quiet prayer.

How did you handle hearing it?

I listened quietly, expressed that I understood.  On the last one, I asked her if I could ask her a question to help me understan things better: "What would be a way, venue, or forum that would be more acceptable for me to express the feelings I feel that come out when I am cleaning?"  Of course, the answer I got was basically:  tell me what needs to be done, then nothing else.  IE- doing into detail about how I feel and why, is not something she wants.  She doesn't like in-depth discussions of "share your feelings" sessions, even if htey are done in the right way, or in a controleld settting.  I have to accept that for now, she doesn't want marriage counseling, she doesn't want to talk about those things, and if I want healing in our marriage, I know I need to work on my end and let God handle hers.  Pushing won't help.

What do you plan to do to improve these areas?

I will make a habbit of writing down things that she tells me to get done, in terms of actions.  As far as times when I don't hear what she says clearly: I don't think I can really correct that, merely focus on trying to make sure I do know and understand what she has said so that later she doesn't expect me to know something that I do not know.  That'd be worse- she deserves to be heard.  Finally, I will make a point of going into prayer when I feel that overwhelmed point come, prior to doing any cleaning.  Get in the right state of mind FIRST,then take action- rather than taking action in order to get into the right state of mind.

There and Back Again

 I have not posted in a quite some time. I am delighted, however, to return after some absence. My hope: to come here much more often, and to again use Xanga as a place to share and commune with like minds, with fellow writers, fellow seekers, and those who share interests, thoughts, or just like friendship. I will seek to simply put what I have to share out there, not expecting or demanding comments and responses to prove that it is worth my time posting it. I used to find that if I did not get enough feedback, enough support to show that writing was worth my time, I would loose the motivation. Now, however, I do not think I will let that dictate my choice to just write.

I have a rich life, a lot going on in it: many things to share, thoughts to write down, events that have happened, stories to tell, and stories to create and tell. I am and always will be, first and foremost, a writer.

What has inspired me to blog again is the recent movie that just came out: Julie and Julia, based on a blog a woman named Julie made, as she attempted to cook her way through Julia Child's early cookbook on French cuisine- doing all two hundred and sixty something recipes in a year. She, too, was a writer- and, much like myself, had trouble finishing things, leaving them half written, and never really being able to pursue publication.

It made me realise something that she did: I do not have to be published to achieve what I want. What I want, most of all, is to share my stories- to have others read them, and enjoy them. I do not need to be published to do that: I can simply share them, here, and if others read and find them fulfilling, enjoyable, worth reading... then it will naturally spread.

Ironically, I also am a cook. I have no formal training, but I taught myself. My guide, my “cooking bible” as it were, also happens to be from the very French cooking school that Julia Child was trained at: Le Cordon Bleu. I now cook for a living, though not in a prestigous role, it is a satifying one. My job, now, is to work at a high-end grocery store originating in Florida, but also here in SC, called “Publix”. I am a meals clerk in their Apron program: I cook recipes designed for customers to take home and cook themselves, a “simple meal”, that is both rich in flavour, variety, creativity, and even gourmet at times- but easy to make, clean up, and relatively simple/quick. I always have something new to cook, and I get to put my talents to the test now and then: and the pressure to cook is not the same as it would be at a restaurant.

Still, I must say, cooking my way through a cookbook like Julia Child's... well, if I could afford to do it at all, that would be something I myself would truly enjoy!

My other passion, of course, besides cooking: fantasy and some science fiction fantasy writing. “Speculative fiction”, as some would call it. I have been re-reading my favourite author and series just recently, in fact: The Wheel of Time series, by Robert Jordan (recently deceased, I must sadly say). If you enjoy good reading, whatever genre, then I encourage you to try the first book of his magnum opas … “The Eye of the World”, book 1 of the Wheel of Time. It is worth your time: I promise.

Until next my friends,

Patrick

A new normal

We just walked in the door to our home half an hour ago, after a slightly long, monotonous two hundred mile plus drive from North Carolina to our home here in South Carolina. My Wife began bringing things in while I replugged my computer and electronic equipment (ie- cable, internet, router, Vonage phone system, etc) and got everything running. I just finished the final touch when she said “Have you ever felt almost physically pained doing something?” I responded somewhat defensively, as normally saying anything like that would imply that she was burdened by cleaning out the car by herself- while meanwhile, I was doing the very thing she asked me to do when we entered the door (which was “Can you get the internet working?”). She started to tear up, and I realised my error about the same time she closed off- but I managed to restart the conversation. It was then she mentioned the pain of bringing in a box of books... of her Dads, and other things we brought back with us.

I went out and found the box of fantasy books I had taken that were his. That was the one hobby, the one interest, he and I shared – and the one thing that allowed me to understand him more and feel something of a bond with him. Many of the books that first started my journey into fantasy and science fiction, were books he had on his shelves. When we were there, Kat's stepmother Janell pointed out his shelf of books (I think he had already sent some on in the past with Kat, after he had gotten sick, so these were “his favourites” and his best). It was a little painful for me, too, accepting back from her my own books. That is, my favourite series of them all- my favourite author- is Robert Jordan, and his Wheel of Time series. Ironically enough, just last Fall, Robert Jordan himself died. Yet another great man, lost to a long-term illness. He, oddly enough, also had a collection of staffs and favourite hats, as well as some weaponry... just like Butch. But I disgress.

Katrina felt he would like the Wheel of Time, when I let her borrow my books. So, rather than returning them, she gave my whole Wheel of Time paperback series to her Dad. Instead of giving me my old books back, she bought brand new paperbacks for me. Well, I did not complain too much about that, in the end. Of course, once married and living together, she read and re-read my WoT books so much that they are now falling apart and ragged anyway. So... to receive back my own books, I began to realise that I would much rather not get them back. I would rather he were here, to keep them. I also looked over the shelf, realising if I did not take things there now, she could end up giving them away to someone who would not appreciate them, or to a book store, or just selling them. So I found several authors I knew were of high quality but had never read, and being on this shelf were clearly among his favourite few. It was a little like he was recommending them, and so I took him up upon it.

In a similar vein, Katrina and I received back two walking staffs we had given him. One was her gift: a walking stick from Ireland, when she spent a semester in Northern Ireland. The other was our gift: from our honeymoon in Walt Disney World, and our visit to the Wild Kingdom or such. While in a shop in the 'African village'- a direct and exact replica of a real one that exists in Africa even now- we bought an ebony wood staff, elegantly carved from some of the hardest wood in the world with a uniquely round handle supported on the back of an elephant, which was on top of two carved goats. It is done in such a way that were the wood anything less: like, say, pine or even oak, the handle would likely break off. But it is firm and solid, and enough to hold a man's full weight, with ebony wood.

We received these back. And then... Kat brought back two hats, one in particular that I remember her father wearing often on travelling. An almost indiana-jones looking hat with bird feathers all around the inside circle. I walked inside with the hat, and one of his blankets... and I almost regretted it, for when she lookd over and saw the two items... she let out a soft squeel of a sob, and began to cry. Katrina- my Wife, who rarely cries openly. Who even now, says “I'm fine” and throughout much of her trip managed of thin but firm facade of stability... crying like this. It is a real grief I knew was there, but for her to let it out in this way- it shows it is so strong even she cannot suppress it, and that is a powerful and even frightening thing indeed. I hope that she lets it out, and does not hold it back so much. Holding herself to a high standard that somehow it is weak for her to grieve as she is. That she should expect to go back to the “old normal” at all is a fallacy: a “new normal” may develop, but even then it may take a year or more. And the “new normal” exists with the healed, but present, scars of his death and absence.

I appreciate your prayers for us, my friends, brothers, and sisters in Christ.

-Patrick

Memorial Service

Death

My father by marriage just died.  We heard 30 min ago.  I am watching our son and giving Kat time.

-Pat